Nicknames I have used for Susan:

Susie
Suzie Q
Soosie Goosie
Sushi
Sushi Roll
Butterball
Butterbean
Butterbutt
Babycakes
Stinkybutt
Poopface
Squidlet

It may not sound like it, but I do love this kid. Unbelievable amounts. Even if she's exhausting and my belly looks like a meat accordion and I'm tired all the time and did I mention I'm tired? Yeah.

I feel like I've lost my mind. I used to be a useful member of society and now my world has narrowed down to Susie and my boobs. And that's about it. I still feel sore and tired. I don't know what I'm going to do when Aidan goes back to work. I can't bear to just leave her in her crib and do stuff while she's sleeping - what if she wakes up and I'm not there? It's silly, but still.

And Mom and Dad are coming down for Easter tomorrow, and they're staying with Joe but I know they'll be over here to meet the new grandchild, and our apartment is a mess and I guess we're supposed to clean but when is that going to happen? What? I don't even know.

I hurt. Everything hurts. I have stitches Down There and oh my god that might be the worst thing ever.

But. I have a tiny beautiful baby in my arms and she SMILES at me and I made this and I'm her mother.

A mother.

I don't even have words for this.

*pacing slowly around the living room, stopping every so often to grab the back of one of the couches for support as a contraction hits*

I guess I should be glad that it's actually starting... but jesus!

Last day of work today. It's hard to believe I'm going to be gone for three months. I'm sort of glad, though - it's getting to the point where every single movement is uncomfortable, and sitting in that damned desk chair was killing me. But I wanted to save as much time as I could for being home with the kid.

And that... well, my due date's the 10th, but everybody's been telling me that the first kid can be up to two weeks late. I might do my own damn c-section if it gets that far, because another three weeks of this? Oh my god, no. I feel ridiculous enough already. And I'm so tired of being pregnant that I'm not even scared of labor anymore, I just want it over with. But then, I live in the era of the epidural-on-demand, so whatever.

For now I'm not going to worry about it. Everything's fine, it's Friday night, I'm going to put my feet up and watch something girly and nobody's going to stop me. Pride and Prejudice, I think. Mm, Colin Firth with sideburns...

I'm such a traitor to the sisterhood, I love Valentine's. Although I admit, I mostly love that Aidan smells amazing when he uses the fancy stuff I got him from Lush for the holiday. >:D And he promised to take me out for sushi and beer when I'm allowed to have it. Which is maybe the best present I could have gotten right now. (In addition to the hideous pink teddy bear, which he got solely to make me laugh.)

Hey kid, hurry up! Mama's got raw fish to eat!

Things were good today. Well, not the absolutely fucking freezing temperature, but it was sunny and it was one of the days that I actually felt pretty good about being pregnant. Nothing made me sick, I didn't feel totally worn out, and feeling the kid flipping and kicking around just made me... well, happy. And amazed that I'm doing this. I know it's the most boring and natural thing around, propagation of the species... but I'm making a little person inside me. I can't wait to meet them.

Of course, it would help if we had a name for the kid. Which we still don't. I mean, there's one name, but we haven't settled on a boy's name and we have no middle name for a girl. Oh well.

I think I should also mention that Aidan made some really incredibly delicious pumpkin ravioli for dinner, and that definitely topped off a good day. I'm glad he's indulging my need to consume carbs at every single meal as well as my weird cravings.

It's supposed to be absolutely fucking freezing again tomorrow, though. When my entire face feels like it's going to fall off in between the building and the subway? Too cold. Is spring soon?

What's worse than being a Patriots fan at the moment?

Being a Patriots fan in the middle of Manhattan. Seriously, I almost started to cry in the cab.

At least I had Martine's brother to commiserate with. Nice guy. But I'm still kind of disappointed, and the food I ate is making me feel really ill. Maybe I'll take tomorrow as a sick day. I don't want to use them up with impending maternity leave, but I really don't want to go in. And I do feel sick, so it's not like it would be wasted.

For now, though, I'm going to try and sleep. "Try" being the operative word, the people downstairs are being really loud and I don't have the energy to go bitch them out.

Is anybody having a Super Bowl party? I don't want to watch the game by myself in an empty apartment, that's no fun. So it looks like my options are:

* take the train up to Boston and watch at home with my family. Pros: getting to see everyone, which is always great. Cons: traveling, making sure Daffyd doesn't throw anything at the screen, having Mom ask me eight million questions abotut the pregnancy.

* throw a party in our apartment. Pros: friends! Company! Cons: oh god the very thought of cleaning up before and after and preparing all the food is exhausting. Also everyone would have to bring their own booze, because going into a liquor store would probably lead to me crying on the floor while cradling a bottle of vodka.

Actually, that doesn't sound too too bad, the place isn't that gross. And there's always takeout.

Revised question: if nobody else is throwing a party or wants to get away from really overenthusiastic partners, would people want to come over? I promise not to cheer too much when the Pats win. You'll still have to bring your own booze, though, and any food donations would be gratefully accepted.

(Look, I managed a whole entry without bitching about being in freezing New York while Aidan is in warm Arizona. Go me!)

It's not fair.

I'm too pregnant to fly anymore, and even if I weren't I've got swollen ankles which also makes flying forbidden, so I can't take advantage of the best perk of being married to a sports editor and see the damn Super Bowl when my hometown team is playing and possibly going to make history.

SO UNFAIR.

I can't even drink a beer or eat stuffed jalapenos or buffalo wings at a Super Bowl party, because of the no-alcohol and the heartburn.

Being pregnant sucks. I am going to be so glad when this is over.

Eliot said that the naming of cats is a difficult matter.

Naming of babies? Way harder. Way, way harder.

*flipping through a baby name book Amanda gave her*

I still don't see what's so bad about Beatrice.

Gah. Wish I could stop feeling so sleepy all the time. I know it's not caffeine withdrawal anymore, I just... feel tired. I was hoping that would get better, but no. I think I was in bed by ten last night, and I don't remember waking up whenever Aidan got in from the post-hockey beers. And now I'm ready to take a nap. I guess I could, though I was going to try and do stuff today. Like - ugh - clothes shopping. It seems like everything's hideously overpriced, and most of it ugly to boot.

And I have no idea what I'm going to do for Adam's party, either. I don't want to go not-in-costume, but I don't want to look grotesque either. Need to think about this, and possibly bribe Chris with cookies.

...cookies sound good, actually. Maybe I'll drag myself into the kitchen for some baking.

*washing out her mug in the break room's sink*

Experimenting with decaf was a bad, bad idea.

I miss coffee SO MUCH. I can have maybe one cup a day, but I used to drink it all day long and I miss it.

Also, I think I have to buy new pants. Life is so unfair.

It sounds really bad when I say I've spent a lot of my honeymoon in bed, doesn't it?

Not like that, though! I just was so exhausted from all the run-up to the wedding, and the huge emotional release of the wedding itself, and then adding being pregnant on top of that... I think I've been sleeping about twelve hours every night since we got here. Not that we haven't been. Um. Never mind.

San Francisco's really nice, though. The weather's been perfect, and we've been puzzling over the bus and trolley system and wandering around, and there are so many good restaurants that I'm possibly going to explode. (Am really glad that the nausea's passed. And that having a baby gives me an excuse to eat like a pig. I want to pack up the Slanted Door and Tartine Bakery and bring them home with us, and Aidan might refuse to leave now that he's discovered the Blue Bottle Coffee Co.)

Also, I'm married. I don't quite believe it yet. But apparently I am. I've got this shiny new ring that says so. :D

Can't sleep.

Really can't sleep.

The rehearsal went off without a hitch, at least, and Jeff practically twisted his little head off with staring at everything and everyone. And then instead of a proper rehearsal dinner we just ordered two of everything off the menu from the Golden Wok and called it a night. And somehow managed to fit the entire wedding party, the rest of Aidan's family, my family, Nain, and possibly a few other random people into my parents' house. It was fun. Aidan had enough beer that he really didn't want to leave, which was sweet and I miss him a lot. I'm used to having him next to me.

Instead our house is packed, I'm about the only person sleeping where I'm meant to, and surrounded by my high school theater posters and a few beloved old dolls and toys I kept and the shelves full of books loved to death, and about to try and sleep in the bed I've had since I was fourteen... and tomorrow I'll be married.

Now I really can't sleep.

I have a dress! It's beautiful. And now I owe Chris my first-born son, or my soul, or something. He's even coming up early on Saturday in case anything last-minute has to be done.

We're heading up home tomorrow. I've passed beyond nervousness at this point into a sort of eerie calm. It's like I hit a wall and just don't have the capacity to worry about anything anymore.



Saturday!

TWO WEEKS

oh my god

ONLY TWO WEEKS

( freaking OUT )